I'm not sure what happened, how I got off track. I went through a period where my creativity flourished, about 4 years ago, and then for two years. I wrote stories, I drew, I made videos, I blogged, I video blogged. And then it all tapered off. Maybe it was the rejection, the TV screener we produced getting official letters of rejection from networks, or our documentary subject killing himself. It got really bad after New Zealand and Australia. It was spending my savings - that hurt. And I started getting desperate for work, just anything to pay the bills. And I got scared.
I'm realizing right now, right this very second, that the act of creation is what brings me fulfillment, and not necessarily even the finishing, although that's important, to follow through. And even though I worked 75 hours last week and this week promises more, I'm going to actively pursue creativity all day long. I'm going to make things out of stir-sticks. I'm going to write in my little pocket notebook, I'm going to compose haikus about the characters around me, all day long. And I'm going to write a few things here, and I'm going to edit some travel videos and throw them up on the internet for the world to see. I see now that creativity, like writing, like our body, gets out of shape if it isn't exercised. And once our minds start to get sluggish, slow, old, flabby; it gets exponentially harder to have any imagination at all. And then we become adults, and we become boring and our fleeting depression turns into acceptance and then monotony and then we become "Americans."
No, that wont do.
I don't need to get paid. There are plenty of jobs for me to do. But I will get paid, eventually. And in the process, while that very slowly starts to happen, I'll be one of the happy few. And others may not understand this, why I am so happy when their lives are so boring and normal. And they'll think I'm crazy, or lazy, or probably lucky. But it won't be luck at all.
"Luck" - what a terrible word.
I want to scream something and charge around. Lead a rebellion. I think I'll go work out now, then come back to this computer and edit the short story I've been wanting to show you. Yes, indeed.