Something has definitely changed within my personality, drastically, and it has affected the way I act and interact with other people. In the past, I've been praised for my happy, naive spirit. That part of me has either matured or died. I'm not sure which yet. Now, that's not to say that I'm not happy anymore. But there is a certain, sweet innocence that exists in some people, usually young children, that I used to have, which at the moment, has left me.
I should stop here and explain something. This is it:
I make it a point to share everything necessary. I have no secrets anymore. As a child, I was a liar and in order to absolutely destroy my adroit ability to be dishonest, I feel I must be completely forthright. This personal policy has no professional boundaries even if filmmakers (my ultimate career ambition) are held in high regard for being aloof and mysterious. My life choices will not be a mystery to anyone who wants to know what I do and what I believe.
I lived in Dallas from 2005 through 2007 and then L.A. from 2008 to 2009, those two cities taught me a lot of lessons; more so how not to behave, rather than the opposite (meeting so many posers, con-artists and pretentious wanna-be's has made me very non-trusting and suspicious within the "film" industry, when I used to trust people implicitly). Traveling around the world, through the richest and the poorest countries (roughly 46 so far), staying in 5 star hotels while on film jobs, hostels and campgrounds while backpacking, taught me a lot about what makes me happy. Now, as I approach my 28th birthday, I feel wiser, but more aware of my own shortcomings and inabilities than ever before. At the same time I am more aware of my absolutely undeserved, good-fortune and blessings. I am in the best possible health that I can be. I was born to an upper middle class family in one of the richest countries in the world. I am, from what I can tell, fairly intelligent, and college educated. I am statistically, at the very top of the world, as far as potential goes. There is some guilt that goes with this privilege. I have no excuse for not being one of the best at what I do and what I do is tell stories and display the virtues of products and services by creating visually pleasing video imagery, through camera-placement, lens choice, lighting and sound design, and by setting people and talent at ease and helping them to achieve the best on-camera performance and in creating believable characters. I want to do more of this work. And ideally, I would spend every work day crafting these stories with the camera lens, light and human performance. But the reality of my current situation is that I spend most of my days in the edit-bay.
Right now I am in the midst of editing a documentary about my cousin, a missionary-chiropractor who works in Bolivia, that I conceived of and shot. I am cutting down and putting the finishing touches on my short film "More Than It Is" and readying it for film festivals. I am working on commercials for my clients and I am writing the story for a short film that I will be shooting in Iceland in early August 2011. I am happy with all of this work, but I am not happy with where I am as a filmmaker. I am very aware that I have a lot to learn and I know that I am responsible for acquiring and mastering these skills. As I continue to edit these projects, I see first-hand, every morning, that I am not yet the filmmaker that I want to be, and this is not because I don't have the financing, the tools, or the luck, it is simply because I haven't learned how to be a great filmmaker yet, but I'm working on it and I will get there.
I'm also living in Fort Worth, TX again, for the first time in six years. I'm hesitant to call it a home, because I still work in Los Angeles, and I'm just as much a vagabond as ever, but I'm using this city as a jumping-off point for my work and I'm happy to be currently spending my days here.